Excuse Me, President Putin, But Is The Caviar Radi

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Author: Tom AtteaAdded: December 14, 2006
A dignitary on a recent visit to Russia got the most frightening assignment of his career.
The Prime Minister told him, “You’ve been invited to have dinner with Vladimir Putin.”
“No, no,” he exclaimed frantically, “Anything but that! I could end up like Litvinenko!”
“Sorry,” the PM informed him. “Our relationship with Russian is too important to be damaged by the death of a mere ex-spy. You owe it to your country to have dinner with him.”
“Are you going to join me?” the dignitary asked.
“I would but that evening I have another engagement in another country,” the Prime Minister replied, and then frowned. “Enough hesitation! You must do you duty.”
“Oh, I suppose there’s no graceful exit,” the dignitary sighed.
Soon the fateful night came. When the anxious dignitary entered the ballroom, he saw President Putin, greeting his diplomatic guests. Our man dutifully took his place in line.
When his turn to shake hands with Vladimir came, he did, however, demur, saying, “I’m sorry, President Putin. I have a terrible skin rash. I don’t want to give it to you.”
“Of course,” Putin replied, a bit miffed.
It was not the first time that evening that a dignitary seemed to have a highly contagious hand rash.
Finally, the invited guests sat down to dinner. Heaps of caviar awaited their joyful delectation.
Our trembling dignitary looked about and, as furtively as possible, took a small radiation detector out from under his suit jacket and began to scan the silver serving tray nearest him.
The ever-observant Putin noticed the insulting activity, and asked, “What are you doing?”
“Excuse me, Mr. Putin,” the dignitary replied, with calculated forthrightness, “but is the caviar radioactive?”
The other guests, while being cautious about the beluga themselves, were, of course, aghast at his brazenness.
“I don’t a clue what you mean,” came the cool ex-KGB man’s response.
“Nobody in Russia has a clue what you mean,” a husky Russian security man in attendance leaned over and informed him.
“I was just thinking of how polonium-210 killed the Russian ex-spy in England,” he dared.
“Nonsense,” Putin said. “We had nothing to do with that.”
“The whole idea is ridiculous,” the guard emphasized, leaning ever closer and, in fact,moncler coats, reaching into his breast pocket, perhaps for a tiny dose of the dreaded substance.
“Of course,” the dignitary assented.
“Then stop examining the caviar,” Putin told him with a trace of fury. “Or I’ll have to ask you to leave.”
“I never thought you’d ask,” the dignitary replied, and rose. “Thank you for a lovely evening, Mr. Putin.”
With that, he put away his Geiger counter and, having fulfilled his duty to attend, took his leave.
Tom Attea, humorist and creator of http://www.NewsLaugh.com, has had six shows produced Off-Broadway. Critics have called his writing "delightfully funny," "witty," with "good, genuine laughs" and "great humor and ebullience."