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Nanny-family Bondnanny-family Bond
I constantly desired women who handled their nannies with brisk, businesslike competence. Surely, I considered when I employed au pairs and nannies in the late 1980's and early 90's, that is how a working motherhood is imaginary to be in manner. Off to work the moms jogged, confident they were doing the right thing,ed hardy shop online, that the children were happy and that the baby sitter was loving and clever.
The difficulty was not that I had bad nannies. They were mostly remarkable. The difficulty was that I had problem viewing the person who was doing the most significant job in our household as an employee.
Money just appeared as the wrong currency in a mom-nanny relationship. Love. Blood. Lifelong loyalty. These precious aids seemed more appropriate for Ali Higginson, the beautiful Trinidadian who elated calm and order into our house in 1991 when my daughter, Keenan, was 3, and my son, Tucker,puma shoes on sale, was 1.
Paying an important person to care for your children is like paying someone to keep your heart beating. Is there sufficient money anywhere to sufficiently recompense for it? "Most days I'd be eager to give my baby sitter no matter which in the world because she allows me to have my 'other' life, " said Barb Burg, a senior vice president at Random House in New York who has a daughter, 7, and a son, 6. "If I had a million dollars, at least half would be hers! "
However, it is cold cash, not hypothetical sums of money or assures of profound thanks that underlies a relationship between nanny and parent. Much as they may love children, typical full-time nannies more often than not want the $350 to $550 they earn each week to money college educations,jimmy choo sandals, support parents and family back home or build their own lives. "As boss, we often treat them like our family, but you know what? They have their own family, " said Gale Gregory, president of Mom's Helper, a domestic-worker post agency in Jericho, N. Y.
Treating a baby sitter as a family member seems more than proper, given the familiarity of the job. Parents who hire nannies like to think of themselves as better, more kind than Mrs. X, the Park Avenue mom who supposed total authority over her nanny's life in "The Nanny Diaries, " the novel by Emma McLaughlin and Nicola Kraus. Mrs. X is the full of you, scheming cartoon of a mother who mostly populates horror stories, alongside the physically insulting, dishonest nightmare nanny, for whom nanny cams were invented.
Still, the member-of-the-family move toward sometimes offers more comfort to the employer - chiefly to moms, who usually run the relationship - than to a nanny. It helps you, as the employer, walk the knife blade's edge between being thankful for the nanny and being envious. You want your baby sitter to be a perfect mix together of love, wisdom and good judgment, but not more ideal than you. You want the children to love the nanny, but not more than you.
You want to grant some power to the person who knows your children so well, but you want your options to shape their lives. Kathyrn Huang, 36, now a stay-at-home mother of children aged 6 months and 4 and 6 years in Maplewood, N. J., recalls with a laugh one of her efforts at remote mothering. "I remember telling my baby sitter which side of the street to walk on, because of the sun, " she said.
Redefining your worker as a family member may help you get over those moving quagmires, but it can be damage to both of you. An employee is improbable to wander into work late or borrow thousands of dollars from her employer, but family members sometimes take such liberty as their owing. "When they can't make their car payment, you're toast, " said one working mother with two children who lives in a New York community and didn't want to be recognized to save her baby sitter embarrassment. "You have to loan them the money because you require them to have their car. "
Family association is not the super-deal we sometimes presume it is for nannies, either. When I called Ali last week to get her viewpoint for this column, I expected her to remember working for our family with enjoyment and conceit. She did. But she also gently reminded me that I had never paid her eventually. To my chagrin, I remembered that I had remunerated her with time off, usually within a few days. I gave her what I would have selected for myself, but I was presuming too much about what she wanted, just the way your sister or your mother might think she knows, without asking, where you want to festival or the way you like your tuna fish sandwiches.
Sometimes nannies do cash being part of the family more than they value their paycheck. Dawn Lemirand-Poepping, the first nanny I hired, 15 years ago, astonished and moved me when I called her lately at home in Beloit, Wis. Now married with two children, she said we had, without knowing, provided her with a personal blueprint. "I had no clue what a functioning family was like, " she said. "You actually showed me what it was to be a family, and it was active in my life. "
BUT most of the time, the nanny-as-family idea is a form of self-flattery that only self-effacingly improves the employees' lives. True family membership means sharing evenly in the family's responsibilities and human rights. No one knows better than your nanny - who sees you come home with shopping bags, modernize the kitchen for $50, 000 or rent a seashore house for a couple of weeks - that she is not a full-fledged family member,nike basketball sneakers, just a close-enough true copy to make her employers feel better about themselves.
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